Now to some serious stuff. I am using this blog to express my feelings..One of my friends, who is young enough to easily be my daughter, suggested I do this. At first, I thought what does she know, she is so young and then the more I thought about it, the more I thought it might be helpful to me to sound off...so to speak. Here goes.
I think that people, especially my kids, and young people who know me, always expect me to have the answers and offer good advice. They think old people have life experiences that help them to see things more objectively and I agree. It really does help that at this age, we have had children, gone through lots of things and can offer advice based on these life experiences. We have learned how to listen, give advice, pretend we are not hurting when we really are, and know how to hide emotions and problems from others...after all, we have been doing that for years. We act like we and everything in our lives is on an even keel.
THEN your husband has a stroke and everything changes or goes to hell completely. Nothing is the same, except you still have the same house and car and job..and your family and friends think that everything is mostly the same, just a little stress in your life. Your kids have their lives with good and bad and they still expect you to be like you always were...BUT..they are not walking in your shoes, day in and day out or even living with you any more. They can come and visit and that is when you try to make them think that everything is just fine...so they don't worry about you. That is what moms and dads do. So they think that you and their dad are just the same, and so do all your friends and family. You become very good at hiding things and on the inside it is not the same and it is not fun.
Sometimes people who have strokes change their personality and it is hard living with someone who looks the same as they always have, but are different. Since August when Bob had his stroke, most everything in our life has changed. We had to change the way we eat, and I have to read all labels and measure every thing that goes into our mouths, at least his mouth. His food has to be low fat, low carb, low sodium and little amounts..It isn't that difficult but that isn't what he wants so he kinda takes it out on me. He leaves all the responsibility of what he eats to me, if he loses more kidney function, it is my fault, if his blood pressure or sugar goes up or down, he blames me...why did i give him the stuff I did, it effected it. He has been dependent on me for everything, even driving him to every doctors appointment...and I still worked, kinda any way. I used up all my sick days and now when Chelsea has her baby, I have no days left to go stay with her if she even wants me to. His meds change all the time and he gets bills from all the different places he was during his strole and all the therapies. He obsesses about them thinking that his insurance is not going to pay...then he yells at me..not sure why. He is agitated easily and flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. This is NOT the Bob that I know and love or any one else knows. I love him to death or at least the memory of what he was like and pray everyday that he will come back someday. I wonder why I have become so sensitive about things lately? and why I dont talk all the time? or talk too much? Little things are starting to bother me too because now I have found it is easier to get up, go to work, do my job, come home, cook dinner, go on the computer and them go to bed until it starts all over the next day. My feelings are pretty raw and I also am becoming more agitated at little stuff, alot more. I still try to hide my feelings, but it is getting more difficult and it is hard watching what I say to certain people to make sure I dont offend them. Have I changed, I think so. Will I ever feel differently, I hope so...BECAUSE
On Monday, last monday, Bob got new anti anxiety meds and they are working...Halle freaking lujah. I think I am getting my husband back...Happy birthday and Merry Christmas and Happy Valentines Day and everything else that comes up. This week has been wonderful and I hope I am not speaking too soon. There has been no yelling, but talking, sharing, and even laughing together. I want to think that this is it, but I continue to be cautious, but looking forward to each day that goes great.
Do I feel better that I wrote all this down?? Yes I do, even though you may have felt uncomfortable reading this. I will continue to face stressful situations as we all do, but hope fully it will be easier to maintain my perspective and my "cool". I am sorry if anytime over the past six months I have offended you in any way. This has not been an easy time for me and I continue to struggle, even though I am a mom. We have tough times as mature adults too. Just try to understand our situation as we try to understand yours. I love my family and my friends and my husband...MUAH
